someone threw a dead crab at me
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
