I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
