By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
