Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
