So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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