Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Fuck appropriateness.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
