So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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