Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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