dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
