You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
