somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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