if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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