if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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