Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
