omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
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