Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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