i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
