dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
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How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
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I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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