Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
