I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
