none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
