I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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