Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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