The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Just invented taco cereal.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
