at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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