I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
