Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
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I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
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I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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