I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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