I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
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I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
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hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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