You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
