I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
