Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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