I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
