Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
