Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
