Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
