Kiss
Puke
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
