my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
