oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
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About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
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He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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