Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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