I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
