if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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