I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
