why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
