I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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