There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
