how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
