Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
