I showed him my bush... on skype.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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