Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
