I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
