I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
