Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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