when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
