I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
