Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
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