So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
