her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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