Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
This toilet bowl is my home.
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